the run-of-the-mill chit-chat
- Have you ever felt like you're about to let everybody down, including yourself, but you just can't help it?
- I've been watching this crazy series in which everyone is batshit ridiculous, like insane! They all have this nervousness that each of them either cannot get out of, or simply deny its existence by acting like a jerk. But there is an honesty in it, weird but true.
- I guess every 20-something in our generation is in a way self-destructive.
- And in the show, there's this girl Marnie, this self-obsessed and insecure little prude who's so wrapped up in her own shit and doesn't know what she wants. At first I just don't like her, she irks me somehow, but then there's this moment in the show that I suddenly realized she's exactly me. That I am HER.
- I sometimes wander if we are all crazy, you know, in a secret way. Suppose that I hurt myself every night at home, then in the morning I go to school or to work and look perfectly normal, no one will notice what I've been doing to myself. They don't know it, because they don't see it. And people rather not care for the things they cannot see. This is our society.
- I know. But isn't it true that whatever you've done and no matter how much you hated yourself, in the morning when you wake up, when you open your eyes, you feel hope? that today is going to be a new start. Everything will be fine.
- Why do you hate yourself?
- I don't know. Probably because I cannot be the person that I want to be.
- Who do you want to be?
- Someone... happier? Someone who can actually do something. You know what, that't why I cannot believe myself. How could I be unhappy? I don't have the right to be unhappy. I live in fucking Paris. Every time I find that I like one thing and that I'm going to do something great about it, I end up finding myself unqualified to do it. I cannot make myself good at anything I like. Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?
- You know why I watch so many movies and series all the time? I guess it's because it feels better to live in somebody else's story, to live in someone else's life than mine. It always felt pretty bad when the movie's over. A good movie usually takes me several hours or even days to come back to the reality.
- I guess we are both a mess.
- Yep. And so is everybody else.