GO. SEE.

GO. SEE.

11.30.2012

the run-of-the-mill chit-chat


- Have you ever felt like you're about to let everybody down, including yourself, but you just can't help it?

- I've been watching this crazy series in which everyone is batshit ridiculous, like insane! They all have this nervousness that each of them either cannot get out of, or simply deny its existence by acting like a jerk.  But there is an honesty in it, weird but true.

- I guess every 20-something in our generation is in a way self-destructive.

- And in the show, there's this girl Marnie, this self-obsessed and insecure little prude who's so wrapped up in her own shit and doesn't know what she wants. At first I just don't like her, she irks me somehow, but then there's this moment in the show that I suddenly realized she's exactly me. That I am HER.

- I sometimes wander if we are all crazy, you know, in a secret way. Suppose that I hurt myself every night at home, then in the morning I go to school or to work and look perfectly normal, no one will notice what I've been doing to myself. They don't know it, because they don't see it. And people rather not care for the things they cannot see. This is our society.

- I know. But isn't it true that whatever you've done and no matter how much you hated yourself, in the morning when you wake up, when you open your eyes, you feel hope? that today is going to be a new start. Everything will be fine.

- Maybe.

- Why do you hate yourself?

- I don't know. Probably because I cannot be the person that I want to be.

- Who do you want to be?

- Someone... happier? Someone who can actually do something. You know what, that't why I cannot believe myself. How could I be unhappy? I don't have the right to be unhappy. I live in fucking Paris. Every time I find that I like one thing and that I'm going to do something great about it, I end up finding myself unqualified to do it. I cannot make myself good at anything I like. Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?

- You know why I watch so many movies and series all the time? I guess it's because it feels better to live in somebody else's story, to live in someone else's life than mine. It always felt pretty bad when the movie's over. A good movie usually takes me several hours or even days to come back to the reality.

- I guess we are both a mess.

- Yep. And so is everybody else.











11.29.2012

魚對鳥說


今天特別想念你。

雖然常常想到你,但不常想念
因為想念應該是關於過去
但我們沒有太多的過去
至於未來,還在霧裡

想念你的時候我會聽張懸
它讓我覺得誠實
卻又不用去分析和檢討什麼已經失去探討意義,但仍然真實存在不因為時間空間外在的動盪內在的變化的膽怯的空虛的逃避而變質或褪去的,我對你的感受

即使我們分別住在海和森林裡,即使後來的人取代了你,也永遠無法取代這樣的感受
為此我充滿感謝
因為你曾經在我笑的時候看見我的淚水,在我哭的時候陪我一起憂傷
你說過你喜歡看我悠游
現在的我常常在海裡看著你飛,那樣子真的好美,天空好藍

張懸繼續唱道
沒什麼我已經以為能夠把握  而我 不再覺得失去是捨不得 有時候只願意聽你唱完一首歌
在所有不被想起的快樂裡
我最喜歡你



11.24.2012

蛋跟奶的啓示

有天和班上的保加利亞同學中間下課去買午餐,在麵包店排隊的時候他跟我說他那天不吃任何蛋跟奶製品,我很迷惑想說如果是吃蛋奶素的人不是應該不能吃肉只能吃蛋奶?所以不吃蛋奶是...某種飲食法嗎? 別忘了這裡是法國,所有麵包店裡的所有三明治都有起司或奶油、所有的點心蛋糕餅乾派都是蛋跟奶製品,然後所有的店都在賣三明治或點心或派!當下有種穿著泳衣排隊進游泳池同伴突然對你說他不能碰水的感覺。好吧我有點誇飾了當然到處都還有麵包,所以永遠都還有啃麵包這個選項,我只是想表達絕對不會有御飯團或関東煮或便當這種東西。最後他請老闆把帕尼尼裡的mozzarella拿出來,所以就只剩番茄了(把帕尼尼裡的mozzarella拿出來根本就和把漢堡裡的肉拿出來是一樣的道理)

邊走邊吃的路上我問他為什麼不吃蛋奶?

他說只有今天而已,每個禮拜三。
緣由是因為好幾年前的某一天,他突然發覺自己好像從來沒有很規律的持續做一件什麼事情,沒有真正的好好掌控自己,於是他就下定決心,一星期有一天不吃蛋奶製品,後來維持了很久,他就決定再更進一步,把那天定在禮拜三,所以他就這樣維持了好幾年,一直都沒有破戒。即使搬來法國避開乳製品根本是自找麻煩但還是不想打破這個維持了很久的“習慣”。


我一開始聽完覺得非常的被inspired,因為我也正是這種”從來沒有很規律的持續做一件什麼事情“的人,標準的五分鐘熱度狂,潛意識反今日事今日畢分子。如果我只想到這兒就停止,可能可以把這位同學的行為當成一個榜樣,竟然可以持續這麼多年每週的某天都做某一件事,It's really something. 但我越想越覺得這整件事有點有趣,也可以說是哪裡有點怪怪

一是沒理由的選擇不吃蛋奶製品很有趣。
我曾經因為口蹄疫爆發有好幾個月不吃豬肉;由於禽流感爆發有好幾個月不吃雞肉;還有一次看到一篇文章說牛奶對人體有害於是有半年沒喝牛奶;但如果要我突然決定停吃某個東西一輩子,我可能要猶豫很久才能終於做出決定不吃哪樣東西(當然不能是羊起司之類的原本就不吃的東西也太沒誠意)。但重點是要決定的這樣食物一週還只停一次!那豈不是更難決定了,因為停好像跟沒停一樣,但其實又是真的不一樣。這種藕斷絲連又沒有重大意圖的事情我好像無法做到。如果好比說,每週三不吃晚餐,然後把錢存起來當捐贈基金,或是單純為了減肥都好,要有一個目的,或者一個意義,我才有辦法。

第二是對於這個習慣竟然可以持續好幾年感到很有趣。
有趣的點是,如果這個習慣是“每週三讀一篇文章“或是”每週三去運動一小時“或是”每週三不抽煙“或是”每週三撿起路上的一張垃圾“之類的,都可以造就點什麼,但每週三不吃一樣無關痛癢的東西,就只是證明了”我可以做到每週三不吃某樣東西“而已,有這麼大的力量跟耐心卻做了這麼小的一件事情,實在是太可惜!



我回到教室就把這個蛋奶事件跟緣由講給另一個同學聽,她只說了一句:他好奇怪!
然後我竟然可以思考這個事件思考了這麼久還打成網誌真的是想太多









11.18.2012

things I picked up in France that I really like about

1. Watch non-subtitled films
2. US tv series (kinda addicted to this one)
3. Random dancing, on my own, in my room (or with girl friends)
4. Synthpop
5. 果泥 
6. Pinterest


and they don't have anything to do with living in France, funny I know.


11.17.2012

Her hair might not be flowing like a mermaid.


- Katheryn:  I bet you get into these dramas all the time, like with Jeff and me, where you cause all this trouble and you have no idea why.  You’re doing it to distract yourself from becoming the person you’re meant to be.

- Jessa: Which is who?

- Katheryn: She might not look like what you pictured when you were 16.  Her job may not be cool.  Her hair might not be flowing like a mermaid.  And she might really be serious about something, or someone.   And she might be a whole lot happier than you are right now.



----Girls Season 1 Episode 9 “Leave Me Alone” 


11.16.2012

a girl I met in the subway

I met a girl in the subway.
We were standing on the subway platform waiting for a train. She was listening to music through earpiece. The first thing that drew my attention was her face. Covered partially by her brownish blonde hair, there was a kind of serenity under that pale skin. A pretty girl. And young. Maybe only 15 or 16.
She didn't notice I was looking. Then I saw that she was holding a walking stick. Maybe she had injured her feet or something, I didn't think much.

The train came. People all went forward, and I suddenly found that she was blind.

I was quite shocked for a very long while and cannot stop looking at her on the train. Sitting an aisle away, she slowly folded the stick (it's foldable) and put it away in her bag. Sitting there looking like everyone else, just another girl you see in the subway train everyday.

So many emotions struck me as the train took me home. I cannot imagine how much courage it takes to step into a world that you cannot see.  Somehow I felt I'm even more lost than she is.
I've taken too many things for granted. I need to change.

11.14.2012

Love, a story

In the winter of 2011, photographer and furniture designer Ana Kraš flew from her home in Belgrade, Serbia, to Los Angeles, where she’d been sent by a European magazine to photograph artist-musician Devendra Banhart. Within five minutes, he asked her to marry him. Despite her initial impulse to flee, she stayed—and the two have been together ever since.  


source

11.12.2012

mediocre

Yes.
It's you. Admit it damn it.

11.11.2012

a faith

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there,
and finding it.   ---- Oscar Wilde


I think love is probably about the same thing.