the run-of-the-mill chit-chat

- Have you ever felt like you're about to let everybody down, including yourself, but you just can't help it?

- I've been watching this crazy series in which everyone is batshit ridiculous, like insane! They all have this nervousness that each of them either cannot get out of, or simply deny its existence by acting like a jerk.  But there is an honesty in it, weird but true.

- I guess every 20-something in our generation is in a way self-destructive.

- And in the show, there's this girl Marnie, this self-obsessed and insecure little prude who's so wrapped up in her own shit and doesn't know what she wants. At first I just don't like her, she irks me somehow, but then there's this moment in the show that I suddenly realized she's exactly me. That I am HER.

- I sometimes wander if we are all crazy, you know, in a secret way. Suppose that I hurt myself every night at home, then in the morning I go to school or to work and look perfectly normal, no one will notice what I've been doing to myself. They don't know it, because they don't see it. And people rather not care for the things they cannot see. This is our society.

- I know. But isn't it true that whatever you've done and no matter how much you hated yourself, in the morning when you wake up, when you open your eyes, you feel hope? that today is going to be a new start. Everything will be fine.

- Maybe.

- Why do you hate yourself?

- I don't know. Probably because I cannot be the person that I want to be.

- Who do you want to be?

- Someone... happier? Someone who can actually do something. You know what, that't why I cannot believe myself. How could I be unhappy? I don't have the right to be unhappy. I live in fucking Paris. Every time I find that I like one thing and that I'm going to do something great about it, I end up finding myself unqualified to do it. I cannot make myself good at anything I like. Do you have any idea how pathetic that is?

- You know why I watch so many movies and series all the time? I guess it's because it feels better to live in somebody else's story, to live in someone else's life than mine. It always felt pretty bad when the movie's over. A good movie usually takes me several hours or even days to come back to the reality.

- I guess we are both a mess.

- Yep. And so is everybody else.







沒什麼我已經以為能夠把握  而我 不再覺得失去是捨不得 有時候只願意聽你唱完一首歌



有天和班上的保加利亞同學中間下課去買午餐,在麵包店排隊的時候他跟我說他那天不吃任何蛋跟奶製品,我很迷惑想說如果是吃蛋奶素的人不是應該不能吃肉只能吃蛋奶?所以不吃蛋奶是...某種飲食法嗎? 別忘了這裡是法國,所有麵包店裡的所有三明治都有起司或奶油、所有的點心蛋糕餅乾派都是蛋跟奶製品,然後所有的店都在賣三明治或點心或派!當下有種穿著泳衣排隊進游泳池同伴突然對你說他不能碰水的感覺。好吧我有點誇飾了當然到處都還有麵包,所以永遠都還有啃麵包這個選項,我只是想表達絕對不會有御飯團或関東煮或便當這種東西。最後他請老闆把帕尼尼裡的mozzarella拿出來,所以就只剩番茄了(把帕尼尼裡的mozzarella拿出來根本就和把漢堡裡的肉拿出來是一樣的道理)



我一開始聽完覺得非常的被inspired,因為我也正是這種”從來沒有很規律的持續做一件什麼事情“的人,標準的五分鐘熱度狂,潛意識反今日事今日畢分子。如果我只想到這兒就停止,可能可以把這位同學的行為當成一個榜樣,竟然可以持續這麼多年每週的某天都做某一件事,It's really something. 但我越想越覺得這整件事有點有趣,也可以說是哪裡有點怪怪





things I picked up in France that I really like about

1. Watch non-subtitled films
2. US tv series (kinda addicted to this one)
3. Random dancing, on my own, in my room (or with girl friends)
4. Synthpop
5. 果泥 
6. Pinterest

and they don't have anything to do with living in France, funny I know.


Her hair might not be flowing like a mermaid.

- Katheryn:  I bet you get into these dramas all the time, like with Jeff and me, where you cause all this trouble and you have no idea why.  You’re doing it to distract yourself from becoming the person you’re meant to be.

- Jessa: Which is who?

- Katheryn: She might not look like what you pictured when you were 16.  Her job may not be cool.  Her hair might not be flowing like a mermaid.  And she might really be serious about something, or someone.   And she might be a whole lot happier than you are right now.

----Girls Season 1 Episode 9 “Leave Me Alone” 


a girl I met in the subway

I met a girl in the subway.
We were standing on the subway platform waiting for a train. She was listening to music through earpiece. The first thing that drew my attention was her face. Covered partially by her brownish blonde hair, there was a kind of serenity under that pale skin. A pretty girl. And young. Maybe only 15 or 16.
She didn't notice I was looking. Then I saw that she was holding a walking stick. Maybe she had injured her feet or something, I didn't think much.

The train came. People all went forward, and I suddenly found that she was blind.

I was quite shocked for a very long while and cannot stop looking at her on the train. Sitting an aisle away, she slowly folded the stick (it's foldable) and put it away in her bag. Sitting there looking like everyone else, just another girl you see in the subway train everyday.

So many emotions struck me as the train took me home. I cannot imagine how much courage it takes to step into a world that you cannot see.  Somehow I felt I'm even more lost than she is.
I've taken too many things for granted. I need to change.


Love, a story

In the winter of 2011, photographer and furniture designer Ana Kraš flew from her home in Belgrade, Serbia, to Los Angeles, where she’d been sent by a European magazine to photograph artist-musician Devendra Banhart. Within five minutes, he asked her to marry him. Despite her initial impulse to flee, she stayed—and the two have been together ever since.  




It's you. Admit it damn it.


a faith

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there,
and finding it.   ---- Oscar Wilde

I think love is probably about the same thing.